It is rare for me to plug anything, however this year I am taking part in Movember to raise money and awareness for Prostate and Testicular cancer.. The basic premise is to shave the entire face with exception of the top lip region for the whole of November!

I'm sure most of you (mainly the guys!!) understand how important this topic is, and I hope you can spare just a little bit in the fight against cancer.

If you can donate that would be fabulous, please visit the link below... Pictures to follow throughout all of Movember! Poll for style coming soon!!

Thanks for your support.

Movember Donation

I am neither remembered or forgotten for I do not exist in your mind, I am merely a ghost that whispers to you, my will is yours, and you belong to me.

Shadows sit in the night playing with the stars of fire. Bright lights flow across the horizon, showering the land with blinding shards, shattering this peaceful place it into tiny pieces. I sit watching from afar the landscape change in front of me, what was once forest is now dust, the moon obscured by the thick plumes churned up by the ravaging debris.

Once the dust settles the land is unrecognisable, scorched by fire it is desolate and empty, nothing will have survived this display of nature's power. Where trees once sat and rivers once flowed now lies smouldering craters that pulsate with fire as thick ash falls, covering the land in a grey blanket.  The sky has turned black, muffled thunder can be heard in the distance as great lightning bolts strike the earth, seemingly adding a final insult to this previously unspoiled land. With each passing minute the earth bleeds a little more, the fires constricted to craters have now formed a lake of fire, nothing I have ever seen can be compared to this, bubbling cauldrons of lava shoot white hot rocks into the sky then get swallowed up by the lake sitting below. Even from my resting place I can feel the intense heat rising into the sky and although I am in no danger, I cannot help but be overwhelmed by the great roar emanating through the flames.

As the oxygen dries up, the very existence as we knew it would be over, buried in ash and forgotten, only to be found centuries later like the inhabitants of Pompeii. The earth has been here for millennia and will outlive all of us.

Your eyes so bright stare at me my princess. Feint eruptions of hope peer through  the vacuum which lies between us. Like bright shards of lightning crashing down to earth, your face lights up the sulking sky, your lip quivers and your cheeks flush with colour. Your radiance is pure and heart gentle, your eyes flicker as you mumble my name, and my hand leaves you as I float out of reach.

Sleep softly my love, for when you wake I will be gone. Only an echo of my existence will live on,  Deja Vu will be my new disguise. There, in the shadows I shall wait, in hope of one day being reunited with my princess, who lights up the sky.

Stepping blindly into the dark mist which has enveloped my mind, strange objects glow and shimmer as if on water. The enchanting and hypnotic waves of distant light give me something to follow, but for how long I don't know.. Suddenly the light fades to a feint flicker in the distance, the shadows brushing over my body are unrecognisable. Then, as quickly as it started, nothing. Darkness again reigns and I am lost.

Unable to navigate my way I become trapped and imprisoned inside my dreams. Fires rage high either side of me, the rocks I walk on burn at more than my feet, my soul is on fire, I can feel it being torn from me, ripped clean from my very being and existence. I keep walking on as the heat intensifies, I look down to see the last remnants of my clothes turn to dust and float away. I turn around, watching the particles burn up in   the flames, my eyes flicker to the left, there is something there, a shadow in the fire. I step forward peering into the red mist and there sits a small hunched, deformed creature. It seemed unaffected by the burning heat, I stretch my hand into the intense fire, the creature rose like a Phoenix, wings spread out from nowhere and as quickly as it was there it floats into the vortex that is the sky.

I stand motionless just staring at the swirling sky, the clouds part then fade and turn to nothing, just the angry cascading vortex stays, lightning cracks across the empty vacuum, it's thunderous sound echoing shakes me from where I stand. I turn around, continuing in the direction I think I was following, the burning has now gone and I feel nothing, no sense of anxiety or fear is with me, just the want to continue my journey. Where I am is no mystery to me, I have been here before, many years have passed since my first meeting with the creatures who dwell in this forsaken land, they feed off the flames and broken souls of man. I now see more of the creatures banded together in my path, they scurry away as if in fear, yet their eyes tell a different story, black globes of emptiness is all that is left of these fallen men, they have only one purpose, to feed off me, all the negative things that sit in my soul is theirs, i cannot fight it, just accept my fate and continue my journey until I am found.

When you fall in love, nothing you have ever felt before can be compared to it. When you find somebody who makes your heart race, your stomach fill with butterflies and the very thought of kissing her excites you beyond comprehension, you must express your feelings to her until your dying breath. For when you find such a perfect angel, betraying your feelings will do nothing for yourself or your soul mate.

The gift of honesty in friendship and love is so rare that any man who can muster the bravery to confront and display his feelings is a man whose loyalty and trust cannot be questioned.

When the roots of two souls have become so entwined that it would be unthinkable they should ever be separated even after the fire had burned out and only embers glow, you know that feeling is love.

My state of mind today is imbalanced and clouded. Memories of happy times flood my senses and I can't break away from the dark and depressing feeling of abandonment and isolation. Hot water washes over me, cleansing my mind of the horror which lies in wait, looking to take advantage of me when i'm at my most vulnerable.

My tired mental decline pulls at the strings of my perception, and I am now a mere puppet to the games of my mind. These intricate and complicated feelings drive the anxiety of my future into question, and I slowly wonder, what life has in store for me?

I try to drag myself out of this self induced coma of fear, but no amount of reasoning can end this sorry debacle. I lay awake at night hoping the feeling of fear and frustration will leave me while I sleep, but its always there, taunting me, begging me to surrender my mind, body and soul for a better life, but the empty promises fall to the floor, for I know the lies being said to me twist my thoughts into a mound of hate, eventually leaving me alone to fend off the darkness which sits inside me.

On the floor, there now sits a man, crumpled and broken, gently rocking. He stares into a mirror looking for a reason within himself to continue his sad and unhappy existence, hoping past memories will leave him and be replaced with happy new ones.

As I move closer to this sad figure, i look in the mirror and see a broken, crumpled man, starring back at me.

My happy exterior shields the deep pain that still sits eating away at me, each repetitive day which passes reminds me of my scheduled existence, simply living a lie which has no ending.

My continued slump into despair has destroyed whatever confidence and enthusiasm I had left, everything has burnt away and all I now have are smouldering embers of a life, a sad existence made worse by my own persecutions and regrets.

My dreams are still infected with my lost love, I wake each morning with hope that these memories have left me, but still they persist to haunt me.  

Through all my thoughts, contemplations and ramblings I keep coming back to the same question, how do you stop loving someone even though the pain hurts so much you just want to curl up in a ball and cry?

I have felt more detached and dread being alone, my mind can't seem to switch off, I lay awake at night unable to sleep constantly thinking of the sweet angel who flew from my life with such haste that I cannot move on. I try to occupy my time with tasks to ease my temperament but it always ends the same way. I haven't spoken her name in weeks, the very mention of it reduces me to tears, driving my already poisoned mind further into madness.

I am at a loss to resolve this, I see her on the faces of others passing me, she haunts my dreams with her kisses and her whispers flow on the wind. I long to speak with her, soft words would chase away my fears and her smile would warm my heart, but I can't.

Hopefully the new year will refresh my broken body & battered mind, my heart needs to heal, but a scar will remain, a reminder of the hurt and pain of love.

My mind is so clouded I barely remember how to breathe. This state is now normal to me for I have felt like this for so long. I try to stay strong for those who care, tho in reality I gave up living some time ago. My sad and anxious self is tormented still by sounds of her laughter, so burrowed deep are these memories, I don't know if I will ever be free of them. 

Each morning I wake to find myself in lifes pit of loneliness, nothing can break the cycle of my unhappiness as I try to avoid all recollections of my lost love, her pictures are gone yet still I see her face when I close my eyes. Such torture is slowly killing me and I now find myself waiting for death to claim me as it's prize.

How I long to never feel this pain again, for when I hear her name my body seeks to shut down, wither and die.

We all have memories, mine are just not welcome.

When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision, you have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it would be inconceivable that you should ever part. Because that is what love is, love is not the breathlessness, it is not the excitement, it is not the desire to make love every second of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining kissing every part of her body. Any of us can convince ourselves we are in love, but love is what is left over, when being in love has burned out.

The love I once had is slowly fading, a dark vacuum now sits where my heart once did. No consoling takes away the bitter pain I feel, the hatred I am filled with boils over, and i can no longer contain my feelings. As i drag myself out of this continuing nightmare, my hope in all things good disappears  and i am left hollow and alone. The words of hope from the ones who care fall onto my deaf ears, no words can change the sadness or empty feeling i have.

The cliche of a broken heart is true, its not until now i understand the meaning.

The dreams I have had of late disturb me to the core, visions of demons and hell occupy the downtime I allow myself. Not knowing what's real is hell in itself as I question my logic and understanding of what is actually true. My mind is slowly being robbed of its integrity and everything I once lived for is slowly fading into nothing. When a man no longer feels the things he once did, is it not time to try and escape these dark feelings and thoughts and try to break out into the open, leaving behind the old shadow of ourselves?

Nothing said can ease my pain and the black forecast of my life is slowly being laid out before me and the words of wisdom I once believed in are now a vacant memory. In time i know the pain will pass, but living with it now, is taking everything I have left, and i'm beginning to think there is no hope, there is no light and there is no future here for me.

It is easier for man to destroy the light within than fight the darkness that surrounds him.

Ever darkening clouds loom over my head, whirling themselves into a frenzy like something possessed. Their evil presence is overwhelming, I feel the danger gathering pace, the rage has long been built up and kept in, but soon it will explode, taking my sanity with it.

The hand of fate sits resting on my shoulder, its warm feeling is the only sign its there. The reassuring comfort it brings is one of calm and tranquility, but I feel neither, all i have is an abundance of frustration and loneliness, something I have not felt for a long time. As these negative influences take over, I feel like I have taken many steps backwards, I have become stuffed with nothingness, an empty void full anger just sits gnawing away at me, and I am unable to stop it.

To continue is my only choice, to try and tease out these things which haunt me is my way forward, there is no beginning or middle, just now, a set of predefined events which are yet to happen or have happened and my eyes are simply not open to them. As for the end, it will visit me sooner or later.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day, but even sun shining and birds singing will not change me, what troubles me lies deep within myself, somewhere I will not tread.

My mind has begun to wander into the realms of make believe and fairy tales. The images that I conjure lay out their plan before me, fate has never been so far from my mind as I try to collect my thoughts and configure my senses into something more positive. My hope is slowly fading in all things good and true, the corruption that surrounds me becomes more evident with each breath I take, and each day that passes. Greed is starting to rear its ugly head, before, it was hidden, but now it is open before our very eyes, and we are awaking to find ourselves trapped in a story which has no happy ending.

The downfall of mankind has started, the streets are filled with the stench of fear and deceit, no one can be trusted anymore. I start to question the very existence I am living, no longer are we safe from each other, and as the animals wipe each other out, I feel an uneasy sense of loss and emptiness, how did we get like this? Was this destined to happen? Is there any escape from the madness which has taken over us?......Or is this our future?

It was once said that avarice kills them all in the end, I can only hope this is wrong.

As for the me, I will continue my life, walking through the shadows until daylight is found.

"When a man is just born, he is weak and flexible. When he dies, he is hard and insensitive. When a tree is growing, it's tender and pliant. But when it's dry and hard, it dies. Hardness and strength are death's companions."

All I have left are memories that burden my thoughts, how I long to be rid of them so I can sleep. When I rest she haunts my dreams, her laughter echo's through my body, her smile is etched on my mind and her loving touch can still be felt on my hand. 

I beg for these memories to be erased, they now hurt me to the point of tears, nothing can console my damaged heart, nothing can alleviate the pain. My mind won't switch off, even for a second. From the moment I wake til the time I eventually fall to sleep she is  with me, burrowed deep into my conscience.

I regret not fighting harder to keep her, I simply gave up.  Her mind seemed made and I was scared of more rejection. I will regret this decision for the rest of my life, to lose ones soulmate is truly devastating.

As I sit contemplating my future I make a promise to myself to never fall in love again. The feeling love gives you cannot be replicated, imitated or forgotten and is only recognised when you have committed your body, mind and soul to it's grasp. I am a different person since love came and went from my life, my world is now blanketed by darkness, life is bleak and I am drowning in my own despair. 

When I close my eyes all I can see is her face, even in my dreams her smile warms my heart. When our lips meet I am reminded of how she made me feel so protected, nothing can harm me when I'm wrapped up in her arms. Her head rests on my body as she sleeps, beauty like this cannot be bought, only nature could mould something so perfect. 

It is only when I wake that I am confronted with the truth. Her beauty and warmth are gone, just cold air remains to freeze all hope of my future happiness with the angel who bought so much light to my life. 

I now lay in the dark waiting for a miracle so life can continue. My prayers fall from the sky landing at my feet. Her kisses are a distant memory, her beauty never to be cherished and a love which is gone.

My heart cries for a lost love, it weeps gently for a kindred spirit which can never be rekindled. As day turns to night I am reminded of the light she once bought me, her sweet scent flows on the wind and sings gently to my soul. My heart grows weaker with each day that passes as the torture I lay upon it makes it weep harder. Such madness it seems that a single person could have upon me so great a overwhelming hold. So strong are these feelings that it takes all my might to lock them away in the vault of my heart, no repenting can heal the damage, no gesture can bring her back, she is lost, and so am I.

So what is left of my being? To this I have no answer, I merely exist and live for the sake of living knowing that one day death will rescue me from this life so I may be free of these shameful feelings. Until then, my heart shall continue to bleed until there is nothing left.